Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
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My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.