I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
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The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second