When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
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DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again