I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
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me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Otters see a butterfly.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.