My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
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My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”