My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
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Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.