ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
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The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Sending in my taxes
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.