Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
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I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Something Saturday.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️