[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
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emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”