“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
The news in a nutshell.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Bill is short for Billiam
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it