My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
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PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
twitter is a journey
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
me irl
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*