I love the National Park Service.
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Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Why soy sad?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?