Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
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If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.