Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
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“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
At least my masseuse has my back.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies