Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
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Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
This is true.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.