{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
You Might Also Like
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I can also cook 😂
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.