You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
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The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker