Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Me, flirting😏
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.