[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
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My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?