alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
You Might Also Like
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.