Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
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Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.