Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
best first i’ve ever seen
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane