[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
You Might Also Like
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored