My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
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you know what ruined my childhood? children
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.