Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
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There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
*pronounces surface like Versace*
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.