wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
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Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Pikachu found the lost joint
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”