I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
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Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I love the National Park Service.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.