The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
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Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet