Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
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I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY