If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
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Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.