I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
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Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Boom, boom, ching!
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
They did not think through this water fountain
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.