My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
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Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?