He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
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Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello