Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
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my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”