I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.