Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
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5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Unimpressed
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?