*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
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I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.