An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
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Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.