If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
You Might Also Like
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Don’t touch that.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.