Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.