COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
pls suprot
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.