A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
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What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Oh deer
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words