If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
You Might Also Like
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Not today.. 😂
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.