Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag