‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
You Might Also Like
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee