Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
You Might Also Like
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Just as the prophecy foretold
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.