When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
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[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”