Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
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A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Saturday
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
New comic up. “Ransom”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
peeping toms
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun