[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
You Might Also Like
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
This is no longer winter this is harassment
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
You look like you would fail a DNA test