MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
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My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Sharon, call the vet
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin